Escaping a Relationship with a Narcissist

This will be a departure from my usual topics in this blog. I don't think I've really talked much about my marriage and my ex-husband. He is still my daughter's father and I don't believe that belabouring his faults is beneficial to anyone. But a few years ago my daughter said to me that she believes that her father is a narcissist. I was kind of taken aback by this concept. He certainly didn't fit the picture of my idea of a narcissist: arrogant, vain, grandiose. But then my daughter pointed out that there is more than one type of narcissist (see The Eight Types of Narcissists), and she believes that he is a covert narcissist. When I did my research, I had to admit that she is likely correct. But, as the author of The Eight Types of Narcissists, Melissa Prosko, Psy.D, points out, "the label is less important than being able to recognize the patterns of behaviors."
But he is not the narcissist that I want to discuss in this post. There is a woman that I have known her entire life. I'm going to call her Romalia. I'm using that name because I don't know anyone by that name, and, of course, that is not her real name. So, if your name is Romalia or you know someone by that name, this is not about them.
Recognizing that she came from a dysfunctional home life and has experienced some pretty bad things, I have extended Romalia a lot of sympathy, compassion and support throughout the years. (Admittedly, I believe some of the "bad things" she claims to have endured are in her imagination, as I have seen her in situations that when she later discussed them didn't sound at all like what I witnessed). And she has, at times when I needed it, extended sympathy, compassion and support to me. She is herself quite dysfunctional, with a lot of mental and emotional health problems, and there have been times when I have found her behaviours and attitudes frustrating and aggravating. I even had occasion to discuss her with my brother who, like me, was a registered nurse. But he specialized in mental health and he had a lot of wisdom and knowledge in that area. He felt that she had a personality disorder and people like that really don't want help. They just want sympathy and attention, but that was the worst thing you could do for them, because it just reinforced the behaviours. 
By nature, I am a sympathetic person. (Or maybe empathetic. I get sick to death of quibbling over the difference between the two words). Regardless, I will admit that I have likely extended far more sympathy to her than was good for her. Something of which I have since repented, and for which I have asked God's forgiveness. 
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety. Then losing one of my sisters less than two years ago, almost losing a second sister last year, and losing my cat, Mystery less than a year ago, left me pretty emotionally vulnerable. 
Romalia had been visiting quite regularly - every week or two. Mostly, she'd talk about her struggles, how challenging her life was. And mostly, I'd sit and listen, and sympathize. But as time went on, I started feeling more and more uncomfortable with the direction of our relationship. And I was liking her less and less. I felt that she was using my emotional vulnerability to try to manipulate me into being her emotional support "dog". And yes, I use the term dog, because dogs don't question, confront or criticize. They just slobber you with their undying love, without judgment. And that was what I felt that she wanted in a relationship: someone who would believe everything she said, extend undying sympathy and attention, and support her in her victimhood. Because she appeared to enjoy being a victim. Never mind the people that she has victimized. But, of course, she never does anything wrong - it's always the other person's fault. 
There was an incident where she insulted a good friend of mine. And so this friend confronted her about it. Romalia was in a situation where she had to apologize, but when she spoke to me about it later, I could tell that she really wasn't remorseful, and resented having to apologize. 
Then I had a couple of recent incidents where I confronted her - gently - about things that really weren't major issues, but I felt I should bring them up. Something that a quick "I'm sorry" would have resolved and that would have been the end of it. Unfortunately, she reacted as I expected, not admitting any fault, blowing it out of proportion, blaming and insulting me. Projecting and gaslighting.
After the last incident, I had gone "radio silence" to give myself time to think of what to do or say, if anything at all. By this time, I'd had enough, and I started praying that God would remove her from my life. I knew that confronting her, or trying to have a normal, adult discussion with her would go nowhere. As many years as I have known her, I knew that she seldom, if ever, admitted that she was wrong, that she had any fault or blame. When confronted, she would get defensive, angry and self-justifying, projecting any blame on the individual confronting her. Not apologetic. So, I just wanted her removed from my life. And then she texted me and said, "I'm not angry, you know." As if she was the one that had the right to be angry, after demeaning and insulting me! That just dumbfounded and infuriated me. So, I was praying all the harder. I still cared about this woman, but I just couldn't remain in this toxic relationship any longer. It would be so much easier if God would just give her husband a job in another province - far enough away that I would likely never see her again. Then I wouldn't have to be the "heavy" and end the relationship. Because I knew that if I chose to maintain a relationship with her, I would have to constantly be on my guard to keep her from trying to manipulate and control me. And that is no way to have a relationship.
I started journaling my prayer because I had to work out my frustrations. And through that prayer, God brought clarity to my mind and convinced me that I had to end the relationship. He helped me to see how much she is like my ex-husband. And that was a horrifying thought. 
I texted her and told her that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who never did anything wrong. She responded by telling me how horrible and un-Christlike I was, etc., etc. And her reply just confirmed that I had done the right thing, no matter how hard it was. 
Since then, I have had time to reflect on our long relationship and recognized that many of the things that she said and did - the backhanded gifts, the disrespect, the passive-aggressive behaviours - were not just stupid, thoughtless acts, but the deliberate attacks of a narcissist. 
I've also had the opportunity to consider the fact that she kept repeating her misbeliefs/unbeliefs/disbeliefs to me, even though we supposedly are members of the same denomination. It made me wonder why she would bring it up more than once, when we had already discussed it. And it made me even more concerned that she was trying to "convert" me to her misbeliefs or verify that I supported them. Or undermine my own faith. 
As I've been reading this book that my daughter lent me (excellent book, by the way), 

I couldn't help but compare Romalia's behaviours with that of cults and cult leaders. And I almost felt that she wanted to have her own mini cult, with me as her disciple. Indeed, on page 194, the author says, "I have seen one-on-one mind control relationships that have been as destructive as some of the world's most powerful and toxic cults... Some dysfunctional relationships... are essentially mini-cults of a few people." And further, on page 303, he states, "Research now strongly suggests that cult leaders, dictators, pimps and human traffickers have one or both of two serious personality disorders: narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or antisocial personaility disorder (more commonly known as psychopathic/sociopathic disorder)."
I have told few people that Romalia and I have parted company. The sad and frustrating thing is that most people just would not understand. I have said on numerous occasions that my ex-husband has a Jekyll and Hyde personality: everyone else got to meet Jekyll and I had to live with Hyde. Unfortunately, the same can be said of Romalia. To the average person, covert narcissists can be very difficult to recognize. To the outside world, they can actually appear to be very nice people, reserving their toxic behaviour for the ones closest to them. As Dr. Prosko points out in Pouring Into an Unfillable Bucket (link below), "we are not wired to detect pathological behavior, such as pathological narcissism. On the surface, many of the behaviors are not alarming….in isolation. The full nature of narcissists may not even be detectable until a later time, and we find ourselves in the relationship before we know what has happened."
Romalia has texted me a couple of times since then. The first was to let me know that her mother-in-law had passed away. I had known her mother-in-law and liked her, so I expressed my sympathy, sent a text to Romalia's husband with my condolences and made a donation in her memory. For which I was never thanked. The second text was a "happy birthday", to which I responded with thanks. I considered sending Romalia a text for her birthday next month. But then I realized that that is just what a narcissist would want: an opening, an avenue, a way to wiggle her way back into my life. But I can't ever allow that to happen. For me, she is toxic, she is dangerous, she is evil. And I don't ever want her back in my life again. 
My marriage nearly destroyed me emotionally. Thank God, it never got that far with Romalia. But I'm still grieving. Grieving what could have been, what should have been, but not for what really was. I wanted to write this because it's still painful. And I also wanted to point out that the narcissist in your life isn't necessarily your spouse/significant other. And that if a relationship makes you uncomfortable or hurts or has you second guessing yourself, it's time to step back and have a good long look at whether or not continuing in that relationship is actually in your best interests. It may be hard and many people may not understand, but you have to do what's best for you. 
 For those of you who may be struggling in a relationship with a narcissist, I'm going to share a few more links from the same author as The Eight Types of Narcissists, and she also lists some resources. 

Pouring into an Unfillable Bucket - How to Recognize You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist and Care for Yourself
Why Does Loving You Hurt - Understanding Trauma Bonds with a Narcissist
Understanding Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Whatever struggles you are going through, I wish you peace and wellbeing. 

Good Vibrations

 

I had this fabric in my stash of 1-metre/yard fabrics for use in a 3-yard quilt. I chose it as appropriate for a man's quilt, and started working on it, using the Heartland quilt pattern from Fabric Cafe. I like the strong, bold and slightly funky combination.  

I didn't want to use flowers or feathers for the quilt design for this bold quilt. And, as I have mentioned previously, I'm trying to use pantographs that I haven't used before. This one is Tiger Stripes, a design from Willow Leaf Studio, which has not been reproduced by Urban Elementz. It's not one of my simpler pantographs, and denser than I would normally use with a minky-backed quilt (the minky is black, not grey as it appears in this picture). But it turned out fine. A nice strong design for a masculine quilt.  

Flower Boxes

 

Someone shared a quilt idea on Facebook, where you cut squares of striped fabric and then cut the squares diagonally and then stitch the triangles together in such a way as to get a totally new look. I thought that was a great idea and saved it for later. 
I decided to try this technique for one of the five quilts. I had some of the striped fabric that I used in the border and sashing of I'll Fly Away left over. But the technique from the Facebook post required that I cut precisely to include only one pattern repeat across the stripes. It looked awesome, but that would limit the size of the final blocks and require a degree of precision that I didn't have time to invest in. So I decided to see if Jenny Doan of Missouri Star Quilt Company had anything to offer on YouTube for this technique. And sure enough, I found what I needed. 

Thanks Jenny and MSQC!
And I changed my mind about my fabric choices, and instead chose a floral stripe I had in my stash. I had originally purchased it to make a triangle frenzy table runner, but then decided it wouldn't really work well for that pattern. I had enough fabric to make a bigger quilt than what Jenny made in the video, which is what I wanted. I even have a couple of blocks left over. I pulled some navy solid fabric from my stash and had enough for the border, but not enough for the binding. And not enough in any other colour that might work. And there was nothing in my local quilt shop that would work either. So I took the quilt top into the next closest quilt shop and she helped me find the striped fabric that picked up some of the colours in the quilt top. It worked well. 

I used the Country Garden pantograph, which I really don't find all that pretty. I won't be in a hurry to use it again. It's not from Urban Elementz, by the way. It's one that I bought used, and I don't know if it's even available any more. 
I wanted to deliver this quilt to the recipient in person, as I haven't seen her in a few years. She lives in another community about 45 minutes drive away. But between my daughter's work schedule, when I'm responsible for my grandson, and trying to get ready for vacation, including finishing a king-sized quilt, I just haven't had the opportunity. So, I resorted to Canada Post. 
 

Ribbons and Wreaths

 

I'd had this wreath fabric in my stash for a few years. I don't remember where or when I bought it, but I think it's very pretty. 

One would almost think it's a Christmas fabric, with green and red being the dominant colours, and those flowers in the corners could pass for poinsettias. But the other flowers and the butterflies are certainly not Christmas. And I double-checked the selvage to see what the fabric line was called. It said something about "Australian" and nothing to indicate that it was Christmas. 
So, I was determined to use it in another of the 5 quilts. The difficulty with this kind of fabric is that it works best to use it either as one whole piece, surrounded with a border, or as individual panels. Unfortunately, there is often distortion with printing the fabric and the panels are not necessarily straight with the grain, or perfectly square. And if there isn't a definite border to the panel. one has to decide where to cut. In this case, I chose to cut right through the centre of the flower sashing. And then one might discover that the panels are not a reasonable measurement that works well with an alternate quilt block. These panels are not even square, and measure about 10" x 11¾", for a finished size of 9½" x 11¼", so rather weird dimensions. Which left me with the challenge of coming up with a block that would work with those dimensions. 
Inspired by a design in one of my 3-yard quilt books, I created a really simple block, and chose to avoid red and green as the colours to avoid the Christmas-y look. Instead I used the purple that is in the wreaths, together with green, and a beige Stonehenge fabric in the same colour family as the background of the wreath fabric, for the background fabric in the blocks. And I'm very pleased with how the quilt turned out. 

This is the quilt for which I had to juggle the backing fabrics. After determining the backings for the other 4 quilts, I was left with hot pink, which just wouldn't have worked with this one. So, I decided that the celery-coloured one that I had originally planned for Ashford Square would go to this one, the blue that I had planned for Butterfly Sanctuary would move to Ashford Square, and the hot pink would be used on Butterfly Sanctuary. The other two, which I haven't shared yet, remained with the planned backings. 
I chose Forest Floor for the quilting. It's not a really distinct design, so I really don't like it that well. But it's also not going to compete for attention with the quilt top. Another pantograph that I haven't used before. 
I named this quilt Ribbons and Wreaths because the effect of the cascading blocks reminds me of curling ribbon.

Butterfly Sanctuary

 

For another one of the 5 quilts, I wanted to express hope. And butterflies to me have always expressed hope. While rummaging in my stash of 1 yard/1 metre cuts, I found these 2 butterfly fabrics. 

But I didn't necessarily want to use them together. And then I remembered that I had purchased some butterfly fabric last year. Most of last year's purchases are still piled in a rough tote, waiting to be organized and shelved. Or maybe just used in a quilt. 😁

I'll be honest: I was rather loath to part with this one. It's so beautiful. But not every beautiful fabric can end up in a quilt for me. Just like I can't keep every beautiful quilt that I make. 
Neither of the first butterfly fabrics would coordinate well with this one. Although the lighter one actually has a pink background (I know it looks more mauve in the picture), the pink was too light. 

But this one is a much more vibrant pink and would echo the bright pinks in the white fabric. 

And this one would pick up some of the blues. 
So, I had my 3 fabrics, and then had to choose a pattern. I considered a double focus pattern because both the white and the blue are large prints. I especially wanted a large block for the white print. I ended up choosing Traditions from the book Make It Christmas, as it has a 10" square of the focus fabric and I felt that the 4" squares in the alternate blocks were big enough to feature some of the butterflies in the blue fabric. 

For the quilting, I chose Butterfly Charm. While I am trying to use pantographs in my collection that I haven't used before, nothing but Butterfly Charm would work for this one. And I have used it before as I have made 2 butterfly-themed quilts previously: Butterflies and Blooms and Take Flight, plus I used it once in quilting a friend's quilt. 
And yes, this is the quilt that received the hot pink backing. I had originally planned on using the blue backing that I used in Ashford Square, but as I mentioned, the hot pink just wasn't going to work in the final quilt of the 5 quilts. But it worked fine for this one. I just hope the recipient appreciates pink!

Ashford Square

I finished my 5 quilts, maybe not in a week, but probably about 9 or 10 days altogether, even if they weren't consecutive days. And of the 5 of them, this one is my favourite. I find it very peaceful. The pattern is found in Fabric Cafe's book, Quilts in a Jiffy, and for once I actually named the quilt with the same name as the pattern. 
Like most 3-yard quilt patterns, it went together quite quickly and makes a nice snuggle-size quilt. Especially with a minky backing. 

Originally, I was going to use a celery-coloured backing, but when I decided to make 5 quilts, I had to juggle the backing fabrics to make sure I had a better-coordinated backing for each quilt. I only had 5 minky backings to work with. But the blue is fine. It was the hot pink/coral one that wasn't going to work with the 5th quilt. In the future, I may just buy neutral minky, so it can coordinate with any quilt top. 
Ordinarily, I would have chosen a flower-themed pantograph to quilt this quilt, but I'm actually trying to use each pantograph I own at least once to justify it taking up storage space in my house. And really dense designs don't work very well with minky. I've used my more open flower-themed designs at least once before, so my options were limited. This one is Nifty Feathers, an 8" Urban Elementz design that appears to have been retired, as I couldn't find it on the website. It's a pretty generic design that would work well with most quilts, and works up quite quickly. And as I have said before, the average recipient of a quilt doesn't even notice, let alone care, what quilt design I use on the quilt. 
Now to get this, and the other four, to their intended recipients. 

 

5 Quilts in a Week?

 

Flower Boxes on the longarm; Ribbons and Wreaths (left) and Butterfly Sanctuary (right) on the design wall in the background

My daughter, grandson and I will be going to Ontario for a family reunion this summer. We each are allowed 3 pieces of luggage: one personal item, one carry-on and one checked bag. Because it's summer and we won't be needing heavy clothing, and we're only staying for a week, I'm hoping there will be room enough in our bags for some quilts. I would like to finally finish three bed-sized quilts that I want to take with me to give to their intended recipients. So, I would like to focus on getting them done before our departure date. 
But in the meantime, I wanted to get some snuggle quilts done first. Five of them, only one of which was already started before last week. And I determined to see if I could get all 5 of them done in one week, so that I could focus on spending the rest of my time working on those 3 bed-sized quilts. And I nearly accomplished it. I have 3 already quilted and ready for binding (Good Vibrations, Flower Boxes and Ribbons and Wreaths). Butterfly Sanctuary is ready for the longarm, and Ashford Square will also be ready for the longarm as soon as the borders are added. 
I was making great progress and then on Friday, I hit a snag. I had no fabric that would work for the binding on the Flower Boxes quilt, which necessitated a trip to the quilt shop. But I had already been to my local quilt shop and didn't find what I wanted. So, I was going to go out of town to the next nearest quilt shop, about 20 minutes drive away. And then my daughter got called into work, so I would be responsible for overseeing my grandson's virtual schooling. And since she was working over the weekend (she's working in healthcare), I decided on some "field trips" with my grandson. On Sabbath afternoon, we went to Elk Island National Park. 

It was gorgeous there, and we exhausted ourselves with over 4 km of hiking. That doesn't sound like much, but most of it was not smooth, paved trails like in the above picture. And that was a lot for this old grandmother who hasn't exercised regularly in too long. 
On Sunday, we took in the Edmonton Reptile Expo and the Alberta Aviation Museum. On Monday, my daughter was asked to work for the rest of the week, for a total of 8 days straight. So, even though my grandson is old enough to not require a whole lot of direct supervision from me, I still had to feed him and my daughter (they usually stay with me when she's working) and I haven't done any quilting this week. And today is Thursday. Maybe today...