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This will be a departure from my usual topics in this blog. I don't think I've really talked much about my marriage and my ex-husband. He is still my daughter's father and I don't believe that belabouring his faults is beneficial to anyone. But a few years ago my daughter said to me that she believes that her father is a narcissist. I was kind of taken aback by this concept. He certainly didn't fit the picture of my idea of a narcissist: arrogant, vain, grandiose. But then my daughter pointed out that there is more than one type of narcissist (see The Eight Types of Narcissists), and she believes that he is a covert narcissist. When I did my research, I had to admit that she is likely correct. But, as the author of The Eight Types of Narcissists, Melissa Prosko, Psy.D, points out, "the label is less important than being able to recognize the patterns of behaviors."
But he is not the narcissist that I want to discuss in this post. There is a woman that I have known her entire life. I'm going to call her Romalia. I'm using that name because I don't know anyone by that name, and, of course, that is not her real name. So, if your name is Romalia or you know someone by that name, this is not about them.
Recognizing that she came from a dysfunctional home life and has experienced some pretty bad things, I have extended Romalia a lot of sympathy, compassion and support throughout the years. (Admittedly, I believe some of the "bad things" she claims to have endured are in her imagination, as I have seen her in situations that when she later discussed them didn't sound at all like what I witnessed). And she has, at times when I needed it, extended sympathy, compassion and support to me. She is herself quite dysfunctional, with a lot of mental and emotional health problems, and there have been times when I have found her behaviours and attitudes frustrating and aggravating. I even had occasion to discuss her with my brother who, like me, was a registered nurse. But he specialized in mental health and he had a lot of wisdom and knowledge in that area. He felt that she had a personality disorder and people like that really don't want help. They just want sympathy and attention, but that was the worst thing you could do for them, because it just reinforced the behaviours.
By nature, I am a sympathetic person. (Or maybe empathetic. I get sick to death of quibbling over the difference between the two words). Regardless, I will admit that I have likely extended far more sympathy to her than was good for her. Something of which I have since repented, and for which I have asked God's forgiveness.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety. Then losing one of my sisters less than two years ago, almost losing a second sister last year, and losing my cat, Mystery less than a year ago, left me pretty emotionally vulnerable.
Romalia had been visiting quite regularly - every week or two. Mostly, she'd talk about her struggles, how challenging her life was. And mostly, I'd sit and listen, and sympathize. But as time went on, I started feeling more and more uncomfortable with the direction of our relationship. And I was liking her less and less. I felt that she was using my emotional vulnerability to try to manipulate me into being her emotional support "dog". And yes, I use the term dog, because dogs don't question, confront or criticize. They just slobber you with their undying love, without judgment. And that was what I felt that she wanted in a relationship: someone who would believe everything she said, extend undying sympathy and attention, and support her in her victimhood. Because she appeared to enjoy being a victim. Never mind the people that she has victimized. But, of course, she never does anything wrong - it's always the other person's fault.
There was an incident where she insulted a good friend of mine. And so this friend confronted her about it. Romalia was in a situation where she had to apologize, but when she spoke to me about it later, I could tell that she really wasn't remorseful, and resented having to apologize.
Then I had a couple of recent incidents where I confronted her - gently - about things that really weren't major issues, but I felt I should bring them up. Something that a quick "I'm sorry" would have resolved and that would have been the end of it. Unfortunately, she reacted as I expected, not admitting any fault, blowing it out of proportion, blaming and insulting me. Projecting and gaslighting.
After the last incident, I had gone "radio silence" to give myself time to think of what to do or say, if anything at all. By this time, I'd had enough, and I started praying that God would remove her from my life. I knew that confronting her, or trying to have a normal, adult discussion with her would go nowhere. As many years as I have known her, I knew that she seldom, if ever, admitted that she was wrong, that she had any fault or blame. When confronted, she would get defensive, angry and self-justifying, projecting any blame on the individual confronting her. Not apologetic. So, I just wanted her removed from my life. And then she texted me and said, "I'm not angry, you know." As if she was the one that had the right to be angry, after demeaning and insulting me! That just dumbfounded and infuriated me. So, I was praying all the harder. I still cared about this woman, but I just couldn't remain in this toxic relationship any longer. It would be so much easier if God would just give her husband a job in another province - far enough away that I would likely never see her again. Then I wouldn't have to be the "heavy" and end the relationship. Because I knew that if I chose to maintain a relationship with her, I would have to constantly be on my guard to keep her from trying to manipulate and control me. And that is no way to have a relationship.
I started journaling my prayer because I had to work out my frustrations. And through that prayer, God brought clarity to my mind and convinced me that I had to end the relationship. He helped me to see how much she is like my ex-husband. And that was a horrifying thought.
I texted her and told her that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who never did anything wrong. She responded by telling me how horrible and un-Christlike I was, etc., etc. And her reply just confirmed that I had done the right thing, no matter how hard it was.
Since then, I have had time to reflect on our long relationship and recognized that many of the things that she said and did - the backhanded gifts, the disrespect, the passive-aggressive behaviours - were not just stupid, thoughtless acts, but the deliberate attacks of a narcissist.
I've also had the opportunity to consider the fact that she kept repeating her misbeliefs/unbeliefs/disbeliefs to me, even though we supposedly are members of the same denomination. It made me wonder why she would bring it up more than once, when we had already discussed it. And it made me even more concerned that she was trying to "convert" me to her misbeliefs or verify that I supported them. Or undermine my own faith.
As I've been reading this book that my daughter lent me (excellent book, by the way),
I have told few people that Romalia and I have parted company. The sad and frustrating thing is that most people just would not understand. I have said on numerous occasions that my ex-husband has a Jekyll and Hyde personality: everyone else got to meet Jekyll and I had to live with Hyde. Unfortunately, the same can be said of Romalia. To the average person, covert narcissists can be very difficult to recognize. To the outside world, they can actually appear to be very nice people, reserving their toxic behaviour for the ones closest to them. As Dr. Prosko points out in Pouring Into an Unfillable Bucket (link below), "we are not wired to detect pathological behavior, such as pathological narcissism. On the surface, many of the behaviors are not alarming….in isolation. The full nature of narcissists may not even be detectable until a later time, and we find ourselves in the relationship before we know what has happened."
Romalia has texted me a couple of times since then. The first was to let me know that her mother-in-law had passed away. I had known her mother-in-law and liked her, so I expressed my sympathy, sent a text to Romalia's husband with my condolences and made a donation in her memory. For which I was never thanked. The second text was a "happy birthday", to which I responded with thanks. I considered sending Romalia a text for her birthday next month. But then I realized that that is just what a narcissist would want: an opening, an avenue, a way to wiggle her way back into my life. But I can't ever allow that to happen. For me, she is toxic, she is dangerous, she is evil. And I don't ever want her back in my life again.
My marriage nearly destroyed me emotionally. Thank God, it never got that far with Romalia. But I'm still grieving. Grieving what could have been, what should have been, but not for what really was. I wanted to write this because it's still painful. And I also wanted to point out that the narcissist in your life isn't necessarily your spouse/significant other. And that if a relationship makes you uncomfortable or hurts or has you second guessing yourself, it's time to step back and have a good long look at whether or not continuing in that relationship is actually in your best interests. It may be hard and many people may not understand, but you have to do what's best for you.
For those of you who may be struggling in a relationship with a narcissist, I'm going to share a few more links from the same author as The Eight Types of Narcissists, and she also lists some resources.
Pouring into an Unfillable Bucket - How to Recognize You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist and Care for Yourself
Why Does Loving You Hurt - Understanding Trauma Bonds with a Narcissist
Understanding Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Whatever struggles you are going through, I wish you peace and wellbeing.
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